snookiesblog

Watching the snow fall this morning reminds me of all the forces of Mother Nature.

Man’s belief in their own invincibility withers in the face of the gentle, but relentless, fall of snowflake on snowflake.

The beauty of the array hides the inevitability of it’s will to govern us. It reminds me of the discipline forced on us as children. Recalling the feeling of the test of wills that occurs when child meets parent, facing one of those battles that we innately realize we will lose.

Hard lessons at the time, but in perspective, they created the building blocks of our determination and abilities to power through the difficulties of life.

So I say, ‘snow on, pretty geometry, snow on’.

It’s been a lot of years since I’ve had to think about what this means. Looking out my kitchen window shows me a gentle world hibernating in it’s yearly rest. Soft flakes swirl to the ground and arrange themselves in company, The green will be covered soon with the white of winter. I’ll watch, along with the rest of nature, the sleeping earth under its winter covers.

First Thanksgiving after moving back home. It’s odd but even your loved ones have awkward moments between each other. Don’t know what I thought it was going to be like but it was odder than I expected. Nothing that needs attending to, just a concentrated understanding that all people rattle around alone in their own minds. No matter how close we think we are, we are never privy to the deepest crevices of another’s psyche.

I lost my tether to the world today. My touchstone, the center of who I am.

I’m now floating in an undefined existence with no finite clue of where I’m drifting to.

When you grow up, you exist in the bubble of your family and childhood. For some, that bubble just grows bigger as you continue down your adult path. But for me, that family bubble never connected me to who and what I became after going to college.

I don’t think she ever knew she was this for me. This person who defined my path that first day of college.

At that point, I hadn’t a clue what was expected of me, of what choices I had to make or needed to make. She made it all seem so simple. Declare what you wanted, speak of things that were important to you, let your heart be seen.

Letting my heart be seen isn’t something I’m good at. It was something she was really good at. I think that’s what made her such a towering creative person. With that ability came the consequences of Heart Break and Ecstasy. Highs and Lows with dimensions too infinite to calculate.   Consequences her friends had to watch and live through with her.

While it was difficult for us to watch, there was nothing she could do but live and be who she was. The emotions that were core to her being brought everyone to her side, helped us laugh with her and cry with her.

It was this ‘living’ that made her a human being that people wanted close to them. She had more ‘good’ friends than most have ‘friends’.  She affected people with her caring, her heart and her anger.

For this I will be so thankful. I’ll keep that close connection to her heart for all my days.

I’ve decided this is my year of ‘magical’ thinking. I’m usually a pragmatist but the way the world is going in my insular little space isn’t making me feel safe nor confident.

With Executive Orders coming like hummingbirds to a feeder, I’m choosing to ignore the steady drumbeat of isolationism, cultural bludgeoning and misogyny.

I’m not saying I won’t let my voice be known when I see things that need to be made right, I’m just saying, I’m going to believe in the affirmative and assume the ship will be righted.

La La Land is inundated with rain this week. It’s a nice feeling since we’ve been on drought watch for 5 years now.

Rainy weather makes me melancholy though. The sad drip, drip off the eaves sounds like the cry I should have had sometime in the past.  The cry for someone taken from us too early or at all. The cry we never had because dreams were disappointed.

We don’t let ourselves cry when we need it the most. Socialization gives us constraints that make us check our emotions to only be let out when appropriate. What does that even mean ‘when appropriate’?  When others feel like listening to you cry? or when you have had time to process the tears in your heart?

I’m doing my best to keep my freedom of openness to include my moods, no matter what they are and what they might be. Could be disconcerting for the fellow next to me but allowable with a light cover of reasonableness.

Since we all know ‘time’ is relative, I think back to my angry, thirsty, hungry youth where I felt I needed to fill every hour, every minute with ‘purpose’.

Which, seen from this end,  can make youth annoying. Always running to something, always seeking out the ‘new’. Not much reflection happening when you are running a race with yourself.

I’m at that age where I’m satisfied to let things come to me, in their own time and place.

Have I lost my ‘purpose’?

I wouldn’t say so, but my perspective has changed as the funnel of years elongates into a telescope of experience.

Do I have more things to accomplish? Yes I do, I think I’m just satisfied to get them done at the pace I’m at now.